觉得自己开始懒了

 好好好

生活还是一样

只是我忘了我搬出去了。我的意识是我在4月份的时候搬出去了。哈哈哈~

我之前很有冲劲的拿了ACCA 然后现在的我既然懒惰了

他妈的，我一直告诉自己够了，不要再懒了

可是我有很积极的在减肥啦

可是还是一样很爱吃。

告诉自己不能再这样下去了

至少要有一样是可以实现！！！

所以既然懒惰读书

那么久勤劳减肥！！

不可以再吃了！！

希望下一轮我回来时，我会是50 吧。。

我现在54. 加油！

一样的轮回

 OLA~ 我回来了，好久好久没回来写东西了。

对，因为我又睡不着了。

自从和新的他在一起，已经没有这个问题了。

可是这两天因为一些争吵，我又睡不着了。

所以事情还是一样没有解决。

我以为解决了呵呵，看来，问题还是在自己身上。

不堪寂寞，没人陪就睡不着啊。

曾经算命的就说我的命中有“空虚”啊。哈哈

我和他其实我到现在还是不确定。

因为可能他说过的话，

可能大家的家庭背景

可能和他母亲的关系比较紧张，

可能他留下的印象？

不如说自己的不确定是因为已经不知道谁才是自己要的人。

偶尔会有冲动想和他结婚，偶尔又没有。

（自己基本选偶条件是至少要有想嫁的感觉）

其实对于他的漂浮和对钱没什么概念的性格的确和我有很大的差别。

可是当初就是他让我不再那么执着，要学会享受无论发生什么事。

可是，这不会是我想嫁的性格吧？怎样去承担起一个家？

不过做男人也是很可怜的。

为什么家就一定是男的去承担啊？

对不起，至少我不想承担。如果是这样，我宁愿自由自在。

不要结婚。

其实我很想放开自己，不要再想结婚的事情。

毕竟我也还没遇到我真的很想嫁的人。

对他，我希望不是冲动。

可是经过自己好好的思考。我还是好好的维持现在这样的生活吧。

感情就也维持现状就好了。

可能到时是我不要嫁呢哈哈。

因为毕竟之前发生的事情我已经也学会了。

去告诉人家说我想嫁了，然后呢？

再加上他很可能也不是我想嫁的人。

刚刚我看一看Instagram看到他之前的女朋友几乎每张照片他都有Like。

是，我知道事情是发生在我们还没在一起的时候，

可是其实在很多这种小细节里，也可以看得到我和他其实好像就不太对。

我其实不喜欢他这种的没有意识随随便便的 ”like"

我会自我怀疑到底他的喜好的度在哪里？

他的太随便应该也会让我们之间草草的在一起，草草的分开吧。

很大可能也是一样的轮回。

我不懂，可是如果不对，我就不勉强了。

毕竟再长的感情我都放得下，有什么我是放不下得。

毕竟长大了，

不蹉跎人家的时间，不耽误任何人，

不消耗任何人，就是我们作为人最大的善良。

Drama

Can you believe it?

He told me the truth after I asked on 3rd of July 2020 which is my birthday month.

I thought it is a present but yeah, it is.

His girlfriend pregnant on end of February.

and our stories start on January.

If you wondering what is the story, that is the secret between me and him

But trust me, I'm not a jerk to screw up people on relationship and maybe that is the reason we never get together because I know if during that time I hold on tight, he will be mine today

But trust me, I'm not asking for such relationship

as You can see the outcome, his girlfriend pregnant after he told me he is going to SETTLE everything and get back to me.

So, god shows me what real man is.

I told him to be glad because we stop immediately after we found something is not right or else, today he is the one who going to suffer.

I mean real suffer.

Of course I can ruin him anytime If I want to.

But I decided not to. Because it is pointless, as I believe things happen for a reason.

I do not know why do I fall for him, at first Yes because I think he is a responsible guy but at last when the outcomes is something like drama - I really felt like get cheated.

He had affair with me when he is with her. Actually I'm the real victim and it really makes me suffer.

I do not know how to express myself in this situation because actually deep down inside me hurt as FUCK.

I mean I do not know why am I having such "incident" happened in my life and why him?

But I never regret. Just maybe regret the person to be him as I cannot stop connection only if I quit my current career

and Im not sure as I'm always think of the issue he did to me.

He can told me when he decided to be with his girlfriend on February but instead he drag until July to said.

By the way today is 12th of July 2020.

Alex, thanks for being in my life because actually you teach me a lot of things. because of you I actually make a step further in my studies.

and I learn to be more independent, I booked GSC ticket for you, I waited for almost 2 hours in a mall.

Remember what you like to eat. We went to zouk together, swimming is the best fun we ever had.

and also the marathon when both of us are running towards the destination.

 The sparks we went through is irreplaceable 

But what happened happened.

No more stories can be found in us.

So let's continue our own story.

Congratulation on your new beginning.

Today is the last day I think of you and stop letting myself to be a bastard.

Emotion kill me hard inside.

Bye.

其实我已经无所谓

接下来我都会很忙

最近觉得自己越来越有目标了

可是感情啊还是很闷

就没有进展啦

没有特定对象

如果你想问我之前那一位

好像我说的，不是我的东西我不爱抢

而且我觉得啊，缘分比较重要啊

没有缘分也没有办法啊

科科，只希望大家都好

不要故意去打扰。

女孩啊一开始不可以太喜欢一个人

因为真的会很容易失去自己

而且我们女孩很突然就爱过了头

到最后无法自拔

我知道我自己就是这副死人样

所以还是让男孩真的真的喜欢我再说吧

只喜欢可以好好的被爱和爱人

我累了，不想每次都是我主动了

而且啊，我真的不喜欢不清不楚的关系

因为我会因为自己去伤害到人家而原谅不了自己

曾经被背叛过的人，为什么要去背叛人家 ？

公事很忙可是还是渴望被爱

我从来不会欺骗自己的

有人介绍吗？

笑死了

oh, by the way~ today I bought new laptop! Huawei Mate  hehehe

疑惑

最近我好像喜欢上一个男的

可是不确定是不是。

感觉好像是空虚而让我容易喜欢上人

重点是，他没有对我有任何的感觉

为啥那么说？因为他有女朋友哈哈哈哈哈

我最怕最怕的复杂关系

所以我早就把自己退到圈圈外，看着他们。

不打扰，不多说

不用担心，也不暗恋。

因为到我这个年纪已经不能再暗恋。

所以告知自己，不要去想，不要去管

我控制不了的东西我不会去控制也不想去控制

知道自己做对的东西就好了。

曾经的你亲吻着我的额头说：我会给你个交代时，我多么的想奋不顾身 。

可是我知道到最后，我可能会输得很彻底。

现在好好的做朋友也挺好的

我到底怎么了。

Things happened in year 2019

Just found out that I got no post at all during year 2019.

Nah, Its alright. I believe I will never forget what I went thru the year.

That's the best and worst year in my life maybe? But the incident teach me a lot by the way.

Standing by the edge and choose to give it a jump.

_______________________________________________________________________-

Today is the last day of "break".

I'm giving up on something not belong to me.

Walk away from complicated issue.

Marisa Peer told me. I'm the best of myself. 

Whatever words you told yourselves, will bring a big affect on mind. 

Always link your target with pleasure and pain. & you'll willing to attached more if the item give you a big pleasure to complete it ; you will walk away if the item give you enough of pain.

Lets focus on what I suppose to focus bah~

空虚感

Before start my post.

Lets see what I did today. Today I went to Office and settle some Working stuff.

I relax myself and start my first session of meditation.

Surprisingly, it is really relaxing and I did it for 20 mins.

During the meditation, it is only music and nothing much. But I asked myself a lot of question.

I face my fear which is emptiness.

Okay, let start my Title today.

I miss the feeling of being loved. 

I miss when I need someone, someone will always be there. 

I miss there is always someone to share the food.

No, I don't miss my ex. But I miss the feeling of belongs to someone.

I miss myself attached to someone.

But now I am not; I choose not to;  It is my decision.

I do not play around with my decision. A lot of people telling me, you guys going to get back together. 

I am not sure in the future, but at the moment, No. 

其实我庆幸我离开，因为过后我觉得我是一个毒瘤。

我曾经很任性；很情绪化；很dominant; 怕人群；永远都希望事情是像我所希望的一样

没有耐性；总是没安全感；颓废

以上的东西是我在去年崩溃时所呈现出来的。

你可以想像和这样的女生在一起吗？ 我角色对换- 我不能

可能因为我自己都接受不到自己这个样子，所以终于告诉自己

林小姐，你得舍弃一些东西了。

他，真的很好；就是太好，我没止境的“欺负”他。

没止境的堕落

没止境的任性

没止境的退步

一切的一切都不是他的问题，是我太依赖他。

没有他，我几乎不出门

没有他，我不会自己想办法解决事情

没有他，我啥都不安排

没有他，我不出远门

甚至曾经有过一个观念- 没有他，我不嫁

 我不知道如何诉说-可是其实我这样的选择一点也不舒服

每个人看到我总是认为既然是你自己的选择，你应该就还好吧。

被飞的比较可怜

其实我以前也是有这种想法，可是直到今天我自己经历了才知道

到底有多痛；多不想；多无奈

的去做这个决定

我们的感情没有被第三者侵入

真的有些感情停止了，我不懂如何继续；也不懂如何解释

我很努力的变好。

我相信我们会遇到更好的自己的